Social Anxiety

This blogging thing and I guess, the social networking thing in general really bothers me. I am, in reality a intensely personal individual (see my personality profile thingy over in the side bar, for details haha) and trying to participate, in all of this, causes me a great deal of anxiety.? But I keep trying to have an online social life for some reason. What is my reward??

Maybe it’s the way that on the internet there are no age differences and no class structure, per se. I am an older guy and have managed to become, what most would say, financially successful. I have Armani suits in my closet and Mercedes in the garage.

But I can, because of the internet, have a meaningful relationship with a college student in Indonesia, or the kid that works at McDonalds in Amarillo Texas. Plus it allows me, if I take advantage of it, to be myself, silly, artistic and maybe immature acting at times. In real life I have to be “proper” much of the time not allowing myself to appear average. But my online experience has taught me that it is ok to be me, all of the time, and that it is not necessary for everyone to like me. Although, I am still trying to implement these lessons in both worlds. I suppose, that’s my “reward” for being online, but what about my discomfort??

I think there are a many causes for my intense discomfort online, but let me speak of few in particular. One is that I am what they call in the “program” (oh I see this guys been in rehab, how trendy!) a people pleaser, meaning that I worry an unusual amount about what people think of me. This has been a real source of discomfort nearly my whole life and is especially hard for me online, where the playing field is leveled, as I?alluded?to before, and I can’t rely on my appearance, financial status or the little power that I have acquired in order to get people to accept me or my views and opinions.?

I am constantly wanting to delete something that I have said online, in fact, at this writing, I am wanting desperately to delete a reply to a user on twitter, only? because they did not respond, therefore, I reason, that it must have offended them in some way. Isn’t that bordering on insanity? It seems to me that if I have identified these problems with my personality that I would be able to stop this behavior, but can’t seem to do it, although I am, I think, better.?

Maybe it’s also that in my real life I am “the boss” and have ultimate control of all those under me. And on “the net” there is no control of anyone. Even the lowliest, in my opinion, of persons can call me an ass hole, or ignore me as if I was no one at all to them. Of course I do realize that I am no “better” than anyone else but please understand my reasoning.?

This “people pleasing” also causes me to be a sort of chameleon when meeting new people, I unintentionally, become what they are, adopting their likes and dislikes, in order to get acceptance by them. But sometimes it backfires on me and I get myself into trouble.

So these are some of the reasons that being online bothers me so much and daily makes me want to delete everything and stay away. But I just can’t, it is human nature to want to be social, even for the insane humans.